Meeting the Mantis

The final hours before my Jinxian Coronation began were the same as every other time I’ve gone behind the veil: antsy, anticipatory, nervous, excited.

Finally, at 6pm, I was ready. 

After drinking my special smoothie, I laid down, got cozy, darkened my world with an eye pillow, and went inward, into silence. I dialled my attention into the darkness, into my breath, into the hushed rise and fall, and waited for my inner world to bloom. 

I waited for what felt like eternity but probably wasn't. I wondered if these mushrooms had aged out of their potency, being 4ish years old, albeit well stored. 

I questioned whether the 6 hours that passed since I’d eaten was enough for my stomach to clear, giving the mushrooms a more receptive landing pad.

I needn’t have worried. 

Gradually, my inner world bloomed into full technicolour glory. Sensation built and moved in my body. I felt the veil falling, softly, slowly, warmly, welcomingly.

As the intensity rose, I slipped into the depths of my psyche and my customary descent during the first phase of such adventures: breathing deeply, slowly, softly, sensually—inhaling as if smelling roses, exhaling as if fogging a mirror.

Rooted in magic breath, I drifted away into thought, into feeling, into sensation.

I invited the chaos to unmake me—a piece of my intention for Jinxification Day.

As the mushrooms unfurled into their full power, we began communing.

The energy I was dealing with took the form of what I can best describe as a praying mantis made of smoke and sinew. The Mantis was tendrily, snake-like, slightly mechanical like a Transformer with a ‘solid’ presence… Yet light and wispy too.

“Let’s see what you’re made of,” the Mantis whispered.

The Mantis began inspecting me as if I were a patient on an operating table. But instead of being sedated, I was oh so deliciously alive. I held a dialogue with the Mantis, and with myself. Together, we scanned my body for stuck, stagnant, unneeded energy to free, to move, to let go of.

In a display of self-soothing and sovereignty that I’m so, so proud of and has taken nearly all of The Shroom Years to reach, I supported, guided, and nudged myself as needed, sometimes whispering, sometimes speaking, sometimes growling statements, ideas, or mantras to myself. I guided myself home, with ease and grace, even through the darker, heavier, more intense and challenging moments.

I can't remember everything we found or everything I said, but rote memorization doesn’t matter here. I could feel the spiritual flossing and energetic cleansing happening in real time. The work was being done, and well.

Whenever I felt tears leaking from my eyes, I grinned, snarled, and laughed into them—another piece of my intention for this adventure. Tears of grief, of longing, of sadness, became tears of joy, of excitement, of delight. 

As the Mantis and I dove deeper and deeper into my inner world, my energy turned sensual, mischievous, flirtatious, and bloomed with a holy curiosity I never expected.

Then She Who Walks the Path of Chaos and Moonlight bubbled up from my depths.

Which surprised me greatly. So I dug in.

You might recall something I mentioned in Confessional, about a new personal love paradigm. My discovery of mirror love. The kind of love that sees you fully—not just the parts you polish, but the parts you hide. 

Mirror love doesn’t complete, but confronts. Which is intense. Too much for most people, too challenging, too confronting. For some reason, that’s what I crave.

I shared this discovery and desire in May with a dear friend, who then proceeded to quietly place a time bomb in my heart and walk away to wait for the explosion. 

He described someone he knew whose story rang like a bell in my bones.

He spoke of a path just like mine, from the years of travel and living abroad to the psychedelic sojourns. The writing, the poetry, the worldview. Check, check, check.

The more he spoke, the more I saw myself taking form in another.

My body saw the mirror I seek, but my mind resisted. My old defense mechanisms flared to life, fighting for their survival. I hid behind flimsy excuses. I was scared.

But on Jinxification Day, the defenses, the excuses, the fear melted away.

~ bomb go boom ~

I saw… I felt... I knew with the quiet, unshakeable gravity that mushrooms like to wrap their moments of clarity in… The archetype this person embodies is exactly what I seek (but not necessarily this person.) The rhythms my friend described aligned perfectly with who I’ve become, and am becoming. I got a glimpse in the mirror.

Leading up to Jinxification Day, I journaled on many occasions how I love who I’ve become this year. All the energetic excavation and spiritual cleansing I’ve done has uncovered a wellspring of self-love, the likes of which I’ve never experienced. 

These realizations cracked me open in the best of ways.

I began challenging the Mantis, flirting with this archetype, seducing myself. And I discovered I was embodying me in ways I’ve never been able to before in this context. 

I found I wanted mischief, to play power games, to walk the liminal line between control and chaos. I realized I love the fire of restraint, that I wanted my power caged for a moment, because in response my own flame burns brighter, hotter, stronger.

I dared the Mantis to take me deeper.

The Mantis obliged.

Which I met in full: a part of me I’d buried, a part of me that delights in power exchanged, in fire mirrored and shared, in the dance between yielding and rising.

Admitting these truths of myself to myself widened the breach in me.

This moment was a focal point, but the journey didn’t end here. 

The Mantis wasn’t done with me yet. 

The final gift I received was understanding that my favourite way to feel in everyday life is mischievous… And that for the most part, I can choose to feel that way all the time. So I committed to cultivating mischievousness into my emotional baseline. 

Now the Mantis was through with me.

The work was done.

I felt ready to activate and move around, but I needed some time to shift from laying down to being in motion. There was nausea and heaviness to breathe through first.

Then I wanted to play with Yuki, who had been sleeping alongside all the above. 

Still not wanting to stand, I felt mighty curious about what the world was like from her perspective. So I started creeping and crawling around on my hands and knees, waiting for her to notice and activate herself. I felt like I was coaxing her out to play, seducing her if you will. Which worked of course. We then had a glorious time loafing together while watching Cat TV (the garden as seen through the back door), nuzzling and petting each other, snacking (her, not me), and just being. I very much enjoyed my time as a cat, and I could tell Yuki enjoyed the weird bonding moment.

From there, I felt called to my bedroom. I made tea, put on my beloved Thoughts Between Space playlist of soft, spoken word tracks, and soaked up their insight and wisdom while fine-tuning the altar on my bedside windowsill. 

I thought about everything, and nothing. 

When the music finished, the garden called.

I made more tea, prepared a joint rolled in dried rose petals, put Yuki on her tether, and went to breathe under the half-cloud-shrouded, half-starry sky. 

I began by burning something I wanted to release. I used the flame to light the joint while consciously shifting my energy from what was to what will be. Then I simply sat, puffing here, sipping there, thinking deeply, babbling to Yuki in Spanish as I do. 

As I thought, I affirmed that a business idea—one I stumbled into before I realized what was happening—is indeed aligned with my path of chaos and moonlight.

(More on this soon.)

I realized I won’t be making a big move I’ve been orienting towards, as my reasons for wanting to were born from the same place as the many other times I've uprooted myself in hopes of becoming: Avoidance of tending to the temple of my own heart. 

I realized I’ve been becoming everything I’d hoped to find elsewhere in the world.

And I reflected on the same deep sense of knowing that arose during Ceremony Day back in February: that if I keep following the threads I’ve been tugging on and pulling up, everything I've ever wanted will come to pass, in time.

(To trust the thread I’ve been following was the third piece of my intention.)

Mug empty, night cooling, and two kinds of high, I went inside to wind down. So that meant bone broth and a cheese bun while watching Rick & Morty… then played Mario Kart while enjoying a blue raspberry lollipop and listening to drum’n’bass.

After which I brushed my teeth and climbed into bed. 

Now fused and crowned, I slumbered. 

And so ends the tale of my Jinxian Coronation.

With love from the forest,

~ Alexander