A Chesscapades Update

Out of the 23 Whimsies I’ve published since July, this fucker has been the most vexing.

Like trying to sculpt marble with a tomato, I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time mashing my fingers fruitlessly against keys, writing and deleting in big swathes.

But I’ve finally figured out why writing about chess has been so hard:

You see, my chess performance is a window into my soul, revealing how I am. When I’m in a good place mentally and emotionally, I’ve become quite a strong player in the past 4.5 years since I started taking chess seriously, if I may say so. When I’m not in a good place, I struggle to effectively comprehend the positions on the board, make bone-headed decisions, and generally perform well below my capability.

As I shared in Turning the Page, I’ve been feeling lost and directionless, as if floating in the abyss. These feelings have been around for some time now—and have undoubtedly contributed to my frustrated, rollercoastering chess performance.

Nobody likes publicly sharing their trials and tribulations. We hide our struggles, but eagerly broadcast our wins for all to see—and I don’t feel as if I’ve had any notable chess ‘wins’ to share for some time. And obviously, I’ve ignored sharing the doldrums.

Thus, I’ve not written about my chesscapades in ages; a trend I’d like to break now.

My last tournament (back in February) was a disaster, and I’ve withdrawn from the two I’d been registered for since due to emotional circumstances. Online, I’ve been losing and gaining the same ~150 rating points for the past year, oscillating between my oh-so-frustrating peak of 1899, and my floor of ~1750. While I know that rating improvements are harder to come by the higher you climb, I’ve felt stuck.

Deep down, I know that much of this stuckness comes from the fact that I haven’t been taking the actions that will help me improve. I’ve not been solving puzzles, analyzing my games, or deepening my understanding of my opening strategies.

While there’s some improvement to be had from simply playing, the above actions are what really move the needle. I know this truth, and yet I’ve ignored this truth.

And if I gaze into the 64-square mirror of my soul that this the chess board, I can see plain as day that a key cause for my feeling of life aimlessness comes from not taking the actions that I know will help me find clarity—meditation, journalling, and talking.

I’ve been favouring escape over stillness, seclusion over connection.

However, not all hope is lost.

At the time of writing, I can honestly say that I’ve been analysing the majority of my recent chess games, looking for lessons and improvement opportunities.

I’ve also been keeping a chess journal, which I write in when I’m finished playing for the day, reflecting on how my games went as a whole—noting key takeaways and looking for patterns that contribute to good or poor play to replicate or avoid.

Plus, as I also shared in Turning the Page, I’m fresh from committing to Lukas Resheske’s Turn the Page mentorship for the next 6 months. So while I may not be doing everything I could to improve, I’m doing more than I was—and that’s splendid.

As for why I’m sharing these twistings, turnings, and musings with you:

I’d like my chesscapades to feature in these Whimsies moving forward—but before I can do so, I needed to share where I’m currently at with my chess game, settle the score, and lay the foundation for what’s to come.

As always, thank you for reading <3

With love from the forest,

~ Alexander ‘Wiz’ Mullan